~Glib art~

Azure

2008-04-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

So far away, the sky sits beautifully. At this resplendent hour, it looks at us with redeeming assurance. Yes, Morning is on its way. The birds will be the first ones to get wind of it. They will start their welcome song just as the initial rays of the golden sun start peeping out from the horizon. The colors will change from dark blue to steel gray to sunrise pink and finally, to azure.A refreshing shade of azure.

Only then will the insomniacs turn off their lights, switch off their computers and thus will end their night-long contemplations.

The slow humming of man made machines will take over the welcome song. Soon their will be more noise. Televisions. Radios. News. Traffic. Utensils. Water. Conversations. Yawns. Arguments. Scratches. Music. Some more music. Some more arguments.

The bird songs have long become inaudible. The sky is a shade of murky Grey. The azure has accepted its defeat. Out of habit.

Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like, to be a railway track. Steely and sturdy. Ever so ready to brave the storm. Ever so ready to shoulder responsibility. Never complaining about the brunt of burden.

Piano Smashers.

2008-04-05T06:03:00.000-07:00

There are times when you seriously feel like smashing a nice grand shining piano. The royal sort.
Its not just frustration. Things like.."people don't understand me" are long forgotten and flicked aside. Actually, I don't want people to understand me. I'd say Doomsday is on its way the moment people start comprehending me.

but then, my dear friend Pee. Pee the pretty one. What kind of lameness is this? You pretend to bond with this stupid girl for almost three years, and then you decide that you're just way smarter than her to even doubt the fact that she is stupid.

You [pretend] to take her advice.
you [pretend] to laugh at her jokes.
You [pretend] to care about her.

All this for three whole years. Taking advantage is it? of her stupidity?

I am sure you will go a long way,Pee.
You will grace the most glorious of events. Maybe even walk the red carpet.

With your shiny eyes, the perfect smile. You will go a long way in deceiving people. As I said, maybe even walk the red carpet once in a while. But then... how glorious would a life be...if it were all fake!

Success isn't really synonymous with morality or honesty. But then, your fake smile will always take care of you. :)

Jerking off the jerks.

2008-03-22T14:58:00.000-07:00

The following conversation took place between myself and a guy.

I am not posting this to gather sympathy and pity and suchlike. I just found this VERY funny. I was just going through my chat history and found this.

akr: For those who know me---> "I have stopped being nice.I am tired of being a punching bag.So now onwards whenever you behave like that,just know that,you cant possibly make me feel bad,because I stopped caring...and yes I will not be the silent sufferer any more.I will lash back and you will have to pay for it.Dearly. For those who dont--> There was a time when I was all about some silly giggles.Not any longer."
akr: am i the reason u changed urself?
me: its not just you
me: there are other people as well
akr: am sorry 4 dat u knw
me: err...you dont have to be ..u know
me: i dont want ppl feeling bad for me
me: i am what i am..n i am proud of it
akr: good 4 u
me: i know
akr: the only prblm thngs dnt really wrk dat way alwez..n u nid to sumtimes value wat others think of u
me: err..so you are telling me..that i gotta give value to some guy's words.....after he wrote me off for being JUST overweight...
me: i cant do that
me: plus i value those who matter to me
me: you dont
me: anymore
akr: sorry..a guy wrote u off bcoz he felt bcoz u wr ovrwt things may nt wrk out after all..nt wrote u off.. actually.. he didnt want to press on
akr: bcoz of that uncertainty
me: what do you think i am?...
me: a fool?
me: "he felt bcoz u wr ovrwt things may nt wrk out after all"...blah.
akr: well..is it so difficult being jst frnz?
me: err..i suppose i talk to you
me: what else was there anyway?
me: and i wouldn't even had talked rudely
akr: jst sumtimes I feel ur bubly self is missing..n i feel bad..
me: had i not been going thru this phase
me: you are wrong
me: i am the same with all others
akr: ya i can guess dat
me: i am like this intentionally with you
akr: ok bye then
me: i sed i still talk to you
akr: ya ya..i knw dat
me: am still talking i suppose
akr: formality nvr wrks with me
me: so what do you want?
akr: nothing
akr: newez leave it
me: yah...and mind you EVERYTHING is going wrong with me
akr: wat happened?
me: there was this college project
akr: o
akr: n?
me: and we screwed it up badly
akr: ok
me: its just that things are not working out..
akr: d same is happening to my projct
me: and i am ALWAYS the scpegoat....why?..because i am nice n sweet
me: i better not be that way
akr: ok
akr: ya thats true ppl tek advantage wen u r nice n sweet
akr: bt ppl also bcum closer ones wen u r nice n sweet
akr: thats a fine line of judgemnt
me: i dont want ppl to come close...specially when i have this insecurity with my appearance..and you completely broke my confidence
akr: am sorry
akr: plz
akr: see..wen i was a kid..I too wz chubby..n I wz cont made aware of it.. n I started hating myself.. n then I started wrking out so rigorously to lose wt
akr: jst to b normal
akr: as in others' veiws
me: so?
akr: i knw hw it feels
me: did anyone ever write you off for being chubby?
akr: i dnt want u to feel dat bcz of me
me: and it has happened more than once
me: in my case
akr: no noone gt the chance
me: yah rite
me: nice story...very heart warming
akr: coz I started working out frm class 9
akr: that stopped my growing fat n also my growing tall
me: whatever
me: o ha..happy april fool's day
akr: same to u
akr: chek this out
me: now whats this?
akr: made this myself n with a frnd with eggs
me: ok
me: wait i will show u something
akr: ok
me: http://55-words.blogspot.com/
me: my story got selected
akr: ya its gr8
akr: hey the sites gr8
akr: maybe evn i'll strt blogging wen i'll get d time
me: hmm
akr: bt gt to study nw
me: which you wont ever..
me: ya
me: rite
akr: the truth of my unhappy life
me: bye
akr: bye.

The guy did start blogging btw. I just hope he doesn't mind the link.
Actually I don't even care. He wrote me off coz I am overweight. hmmmmmf. :-|

2008-02-24T08:14:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what possibly could be wrong with the people around you? Have you ever felt like you're losing control?

2008-02-04T00:09:00.000-08:00

Just take a look at me now.
I have control. I know what I am doing, where I am going. No, seriously. Look more carefully, do I look like one who has control? Even small bits of it?

I think I am just fooling around with myself. Playing with my life. I don't read the newspapers anymore.I couldn't tell who Pakash Karat is. I am going to fuck up my future. Future is equal to admission in some bigshot college for a simple P.G degree.

I wish I could just while away all my time. Listen to music. Read a bit. Thats all. That all that it takes to make me happy. To make me content.

The past few weeks have been kinda out of focus. In fact I am too bored to even blog nowadays. I just dont feel like typing out the various happenings. There are lots.

It would have been better if there was somebody to listen ti me. I mean , it would be better if I were just talking , instead of typing.

who cares anyway.

God, When will I move out to live on my own. Where I won't even have the time to ponder over who said what to me. Or why did he/she say it. whether it was meant to hurt me , whether that person is pissed with me and ALL that jazz.

I need a job. I need to work. And get paid for it. I am too tired of thinking. I am tired of being good-for-nothing. Not that I can change anything.

clattering teeth.

2008-01-25T22:56:00.000-08:00

So cold.It is.
I looove these afternoons when the raindrops on the windowsills keep reminding you of all things slow and peaceful.
Like as if, the world out there is waiting for you, and all you're doing is sipping the coffee and curling up to the music.

And conversations.
They DO effect your life in more ways than one.I thank the internet. The small talks with the zillion faceless entities are so very special. They are people, human, more so, but without any proof. Who needs proof anyway.The electronic exchange should evoke enthusiasm. and Thats all that matters.

Is it not true that the only "useful" thing that I've done in the past year is to sit and gobble up all those archives from the numerous blogs picked up from here and there. The nameless, faceless entities. Now I am an avid reader of blogs and an avid follower of God-only-knows-who's lives.

Take this for example.Or this, and this.

I know all about their first crush, the most embarrassing situations and all about the incident when they stole money for a good cause.

what happens when you meet some such person in real life?

Sigh.
I don't quite hate this weather.
Its all so very melancholic and promising at the same time.
And just look at the sky.
Just look up and look at the sky.
Don't you see the clouds looking back at you?
Don't you see them asking you to keep faith?

And college. I could go on and on about how it has changed me. Wiped out the person that used to be me. In a good way.

2008-01-04T12:44:00.000-08:00

Ho hum and all that jazz.Listening to music at two in the morning.The keyboard goes tap tap and another tap.Its funny how you're dog-tired and yet you can't sleep a wink. Too many thoughts cluttered inside the head.Too many things to mull over.Dreams to proclaim out loud about.People burn out, they blow over flying kisses, they party hard and play games, they suck in your soul and leave you betrayed, they dance in the rain, smile the angelic smile, strum the six strings show off their dimples, heat up the moment, make absolute nonsense, fool around with random plastic equipments , the sing out loud, they spell out words, the gnash their teeth and build castles in the air, but at the end of the day, no matter what they do, they leave you all alone.

No one's complaining,but.

2007-12-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

I feel happy. Things are turning out to be pretty good. I actually dress up before heading for college. Matching earrings et all. Third year has been the best year so far. Well., first year was all culture shock, second year..I dont even think it happened, what with nine friggin' months of university exams and suchlike.

So I am having a sweet load of fun nowadays. The classes don't matter. Attendance doesn't matter. What matters is the lunch break. 12.30 in the afternoon has suddenly become an incredibly important time in the entire day. Thats why I dress up, btw.

So, theres this issue of me never laughing the bare-your-teeth laugh. I never bare my teeth while laughing. Is it that big a deal? I mean I don't like my teeth setting, and I am more than eager to get braces.
But the last few days, I couldn't help but laugh out loud.
Sad as I am about college coming to an end, I want to enjoy the last few days and get over with it.

Then will be the time to feel to start feeling really sad.
Sigh.

2007-11-03T05:31:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I feel like updating everyday, but cant do that at my other blog..I want people to read whatever i am writing..and I am sure that if I start doing that regularly, updating my blog that is..people are going to loose all interest. hmmmm..sooooo this where i can actually screw the capital letters and the punctuations.

A lot has been happening in my life.

My life = the T.V.

so there are like a hell lot of shows that I've been watching lately.
and categorically, all shows on TV make me wanna

1] be rich

2] be thin

3] watch a little more TV.

plus of course the mindless songs are all too good when all you want to do is lie down and procrastinate.

I saw this fantastic show on channel [V].
"My India report"

Whoever said that Indian TV is going down the drains, should probably want to reconsider.
MTV was my initial hope, but then the new show "meet or delete" is so crappy, it makes me want to bang...err..that..and bang my head against the wall, also.
I mean whats with these "dating" shows...
I remember , there was this show on channel [V] "crush" , that was sweet.
It involved the protagonist trying to confess his "crush".The show was all mushy and rosy and considering it played some Aaron Carter song during the credits, it was cute.
But cut to the present, even something as moronic as "ishq deewane" is ok. I mean there ARE some people across the country who would die to get a peek into the personal lives of their favourite TV stars(?).

Actually, the problem is MTV "meet and delete" producers and suchlike clearly target the hip, youn,g good looking "kewl-dudish" genre of TV watchers, but what about the lazy, fat , procrastinating couch potatoes like me? I am sure there are lots like me put there.

"For you, there are the make-over shows" you might tell me, but tell me the truth, who are you kidding? Are you not aware that even the makeover shows don't have fat people being made over. I've diligently followed some 7 episodes of "wear their skin" and I did not see one participant who was fat.I mean this is unfair, the fat people should get some coverage. Actually, know what? I am sure 78% of the fat people in this world are not insecure about their obesity, the only people who are aware are the "obsessed- and- possessed- with oneself" type[meeee!] and the ones who are actually thin but want to depress the effing chocolates out of the actually fat people around by continuously whining about how much weight they have put on..or how flabby they are looking in some outfit.

poof, that felt good. :D

anyway, coming back to "meet or delete", there were two guys , who were doing their level best to pataofy this girl. It was fun watching, to some extent , that extent being the line of naturalness. After a point, it all looks variry vairy staged.
Anyway, the girls was actually very cute. And one of the guys was pretty decent, with his "dark" sense of humour and sarcasm notwithstanding. They other guy, was this apparent jerk, who did turn out to be a jerk after all. With his abject showing off and everything..but anyhow, the jerk was the one who won and the other decent guy was rejected..rather " deleted" because ..well..umm..he was sarcastic!!! :-??

and the best part of the episode came at the ending..heehee, after losing , the guy goes...

"well I am feeling bad, but then I suppose the lady made a bad choice, I wish her all the best.There are a lot of women out there in the world, for me. Let me find them out.....with my fishing rod"

I was like hooahahha...

this guy should meet me ..heh heh heh....and my pick up line would be ..
"whats your bait?..Do I look fishy enough to you?"

Ok, with that amazingly pathetic note, I shalt take your leave.

Its toodle time!

2007-10-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

There is something about the evening sky.Having had the erstwhile limitedness when it comes to having lived in different cities, I might sound a little proud.

I have lived in only two cities.
Very different from each other.

The difference, mostly lies in the skyline.
But not the evening sky.

Both cities have the same evening sky.Calm, serene and gloomy.It keeps reminding you of all the accumulated sadness.

2007-10-09T06:56:00.000-07:00

I am so lost.
Can't really say I hate being lost.The Pujas are coming with expected aplomb, I am surprised I've still not started feeling helplessly miserable.The best thing about being lost is the unexpectation. You can just let go. Not thinking about the useless nitti-gritties. But the sad part is, I am sure I won't be lost for long.

2007-10-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

When you close your eyes, after all those disjointed, loud, jarring and obscenely colourful images, there lies this black sheet of nothingness.When that peeks out from the all-powerful colours, you know you're finally going to sleep.

But there could be other instances of blackitude reining supreme over the naturally colourful.Like when you receive a shock or say, when you're trying to think blank.Trying that, as opposed to associative writing is phenomenally difficult, especially so, if you're a compulsive dreamer.

So I failed.I can't think blank.

But here's a piece of my associative writing:
economy collapsed north east FCP money intuition future blood gore anti-thesis labyrinth something glib compulsive no-smoking pregnancy lighter Burma Trade-analyst piano transfers autonomy drugs smoke taste bitter psychopath blood rocking chair...

2007-09-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

All in all, an especially lame day.Got high on atar halua, which was previously a red ants' hangout zone.That,I realized after I'd consumed sizable portions of the same stuff, and the red ants, of course.I may not have tasted alcohol, but I have tasted red ants.

Friend suddenly springs up in my scrapbook, talking about change, tension and suchlike.Fuck, I don't like being told that I've changed.I don't like changing.I mean physically, yes, I'd want to metamorphose into this ravishingly beautiful good looker, but umm..I don't want to change otherwise.I don't want things to change.

They've cut the trees in the frontal portion of the campus.Total shit-eating assholes, if you ask me.

That girl is getting on my nerves nowadays.If you have an effing problem with me, just admit it.Admit the fact that you've stopped communicating with a whole bunch of people for whatever heart-wrenching reasons you might have had up your sleeve.Just don't blow off your integrity like that.Just don't try and negate the fact that something's gone wrong.

And it had all started with a blogpost.Ironical.

Langour, lyad , and suchlike

2007-09-27T04:27:00.000-07:00

I am confused about my feelings for college life.
I absolutely adore the whole idea of sitting in class and not comprehending even one word of what is being said.On the other hand, sometimes it sucks.It sucks to be intellectually and technologically challenged.

Yes I have made ama-fucking-zing friends.
Yes I will be enthralled to have passed out from a good college.More than all that, I will almost faint with fervor if I had to state the details of each and every moment of happiness derived out of doing a course which is vocational and does not require mugging up nonsensical text from twenty fat books.

The third year is just too slow, even for my standards..For the first time ever, I don't feel like going to college.

2007-09-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

Vh1 all access isn't quite the right way to start your day.I mean you get to see the rich glossiness and the swanky lifestyle and some other stuff which might never happen to you, but its fun!

The rains have stopped but the water is still effing logged.I HAVE to send this emergency courier and theres no way in hell I am going to wade through the murk.I think I am growing thin after all.I dunno how/why but I feel thin! Which is weird, if you ask me, coz I've never really been thin, so there is no logic behind me identifying the feeling as "the thin" feel.

Enough for this morning.Will crib about some other stuff later on.

Open Letter to the H>O>D

2007-09-24T08:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Toilet Paper,

You suck.
You suck the shit outta people.
More so, you suck because, you are lame enough to be unable to distinguish shit from piss.I mean what were you thinking?..You're anointed the Head Of The Department and you suddenly become smart?..Hell no!!, smartness definitely requires more than thick black librarian glasses and a permanent twitch on the forehead.

ALERT, Digression coming ahead:

AND INDIA WON!!!!

Ok, now to continue with the letter....

you know what?..you don't really have to pretend to be such a pseudo intellectual.You can't even pretend to be a smart ass.We've seen better than you.Frankly, we are better than you.

Thanking you,

Yours insincerely,

A harangued and listless student.

Right then!

2007-09-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

Alright, this blog has been created just so that I can curse everyone and everything in general.That being the case, I've taken enough pains to create it and proclaim anonymity.I don't want my acquaintances, online or otherwise to see/read/comment on this blog.This will be my so called whiner's paradise.

ok, so today.
What all happened?
you're asking me?

I water waded through a murky water logged street while the Rain Gods were benevolently pissing on me.
I got stared at and checked out by a bald man, who was emitting this sardonic odor, variably against my tastes.He was drunk.
I figured out [yet again] that I am an asshole of the first order.

Three bullet points are more than enough for the first ever post.Like someone said, Its just the first blogpost, not like as if you're getting laid or something.

Coming to that,
I would, like to get laid, sometime soon.