Azure

So far away, the sky sits beautifully. At this resplendent hour, it looks at us with redeeming assurance. Yes, Morning is on its way. The birds will be the first ones to get wind of it. They will start their welcome song just as the initial rays of the golden sun start peeping out from the horizon. The colors will change from dark blue to steel gray to sunrise pink and finally, to azure.A refreshing shade of azure.

Only then will the insomniacs turn off their lights, switch off their computers and thus will end their night-long contemplations.

The slow humming of man made machines will take over the welcome song. Soon their will be more noise. Televisions. Radios. News. Traffic. Utensils. Water. Conversations. Yawns. Arguments. Scratches. Music. Some more music. Some more arguments.


The bird songs have long become inaudible. The sky is a shade of murky Grey. The azure has accepted its defeat. Out of habit.


Sometimes I wonder, what would it be like, to be a railway track. Steely and sturdy. Ever so ready to brave the storm. Ever so ready to shoulder responsibility. Never complaining about the brunt of burden.

Piano Smashers.

There are times when you seriously feel like smashing a nice grand shining piano. The royal sort.
Its not just frustration. Things like.."people don't understand me" are long forgotten and flicked aside. Actually, I don't want people to understand me. I'd say Doomsday is on its way the moment people start comprehending me.


but then, my dear friend Pee. Pee the pretty one. What kind of lameness is this? You pretend to bond with this stupid girl for almost three years, and then you decide that you're just way smarter than her to even doubt the fact that she is stupid.

You [pretend] to take her advice.
you [pretend] to laugh at her jokes.
You [pretend] to care about her.

All this for three whole years. Taking advantage is it? of her stupidity?

I am sure you will go a long way,Pee.
You will grace the most glorious of events. Maybe even walk the red carpet.

With your shiny eyes, the perfect smile. You will go a long way in deceiving people. As I said, maybe even walk the red carpet once in a while. But then... how glorious would a life be...if it were all fake!

Success isn't really synonymous with morality or honesty. But then, your fake smile will always take care of you. :)

Jerking off the jerks.

The following conversation took place between myself and a guy.

I am not posting this to gather sympathy and pity and suchlike. I just found this VERY funny. I was just going through my chat history and found this.


akr: For those who know me---> "I have stopped being nice.I am tired of being a punching bag.So now onwards whenever you behave like that,just know that,you cant possibly make me feel bad,because I stopped caring...and yes I will not be the silent sufferer any more.I will lash back and you will have to pay for it.Dearly. For those who dont--> There was a time when I was all about some silly giggles.Not any longer."
akr: am i the reason u changed urself?
me: its not just you
me: there are other people as well
akr: am sorry 4 dat u knw
me: err...you dont have to be ..u know
me: i dont want ppl feeling bad for me
me: i am what i am..n i am proud of it
akr: good 4 u
me: i know
akr: the only prblm thngs dnt really wrk dat way alwez..n u nid to sumtimes value wat others think of u
me: err..so you are telling me..that i gotta give value to some guy's words.....after he wrote me off for being JUST overweight...
me: i cant do that
me: plus i value those who matter to me
me: you dont
me: anymore
akr: sorry..a guy wrote u off bcoz he felt bcoz u wr ovrwt things may nt wrk out after all..nt wrote u off.. actually.. he didnt want to press on
akr: bcoz of that uncertainty
me: what do you think i am?...
me: a fool?
me: "he felt bcoz u wr ovrwt things may nt wrk out after all"...blah.
akr: well..is it so difficult being jst frnz?
me: err..i suppose i talk to you
me: what else was there anyway?
me: and i wouldn't even had talked rudely
akr: jst sumtimes I feel ur bubly self is missing..n i feel bad..
me: had i not been going thru this phase
me: you are wrong
me: i am the same with all others
akr: ya i can guess dat
me: i am like this intentionally with you
akr: ok bye then
me: i sed i still talk to you
akr: ya ya..i knw dat
me: am still talking i suppose
akr: formality nvr wrks with me
me: so what do you want?
akr: nothing
akr: newez leave it
me: yah...and mind you EVERYTHING is going wrong with me
akr: wat happened?
me: there was this college project
akr: o
akr: n?
me: and we screwed it up badly
akr: ok
me: its just that things are not working out..
akr: d same is happening to my projct
me: and i am ALWAYS the scpegoat....why?..because i am nice n sweet
me: i better not be that way
akr: ok
akr: ya thats true ppl tek advantage wen u r nice n sweet
akr: bt ppl also bcum closer ones wen u r nice n sweet
akr: thats a fine line of judgemnt
me: i dont want ppl to come close...specially when i have this insecurity with my appearance..and you completely broke my confidence
akr: am sorry
akr: plz
akr: see..wen i was a kid..I too wz chubby..n I wz cont made aware of it.. n I started hating myself.. n then I started wrking out so rigorously to lose wt
akr: jst to b normal
akr: as in others' veiws
me: so?
akr: i knw hw it feels
me: did anyone ever write you off for being chubby?
akr: i dnt want u to feel dat bcz of me
me: and it has happened more than once
me: in my case
akr: no noone gt the chance
me: yah rite
me: nice story...very heart warming
akr: coz I started working out frm class 9
akr: that stopped my growing fat n also my growing tall
me: whatever
me: o ha..happy april fool's day
akr: same to u
akr: chek this out
me: now whats this?
akr: made this myself n with a frnd with eggs
me: ok
me: wait i will show u something
akr: ok
me: http://55-words.blogspot.com/
me: my story got selected
akr: ya its gr8
akr: hey the sites gr8
akr: maybe evn i'll strt blogging wen i'll get d time
me: hmm
akr: bt gt to study nw
me: which you wont ever..
me: ya
me: rite
akr: the truth of my unhappy life
me: bye
akr: bye.

The guy did start blogging btw. I just hope he doesn't mind the link.
Actually I don't even care. He wrote me off coz I am overweight. hmmmmmf. :-|

Have you ever wondered what possibly could be wrong with the people around you? Have you ever felt like you're losing control?

Just take a look at me now.
I have control. I know what I am doing, where I am going. No, seriously. Look more carefully, do I look like one who has control? Even small bits of it?

I think I am just fooling around with myself. Playing with my life. I don't read the newspapers anymore.I couldn't tell who Pakash Karat is. I am going to fuck up my future. Future is equal to admission in some bigshot college for a simple P.G degree.

I wish I could just while away all my time. Listen to music. Read a bit. Thats all. That all that it takes to make me happy. To make me content.

The past few weeks have been kinda out of focus. In fact I am too bored to even blog nowadays. I just dont feel like typing out the various happenings. There are lots.

It would have been better if there was somebody to listen ti me. I mean , it would be better if I were just talking , instead of typing.

who cares anyway.

God, When will I move out to live on my own. Where I won't even have the time to ponder over who said what to me. Or why did he/she say it. whether it was meant to hurt me , whether that person is pissed with me and ALL that jazz.

I need a job. I need to work. And get paid for it. I am too tired of thinking. I am tired of being good-for-nothing. Not that I can change anything.

clattering teeth.

So cold.It is.
I looove these afternoons when the raindrops on the windowsills keep reminding you of all things slow and peaceful.
Like as if, the world out there is waiting for you, and all you're doing is sipping the coffee and curling up to the music.

And conversations.
They DO effect your life in more ways than one.I thank the internet. The small talks with the zillion faceless entities are so very special. They are people, human, more so, but without any proof. Who needs proof anyway.The electronic exchange should evoke enthusiasm. and Thats all that matters.

Is it not true that the only "useful" thing that I've done in the past year is to sit and gobble up all those archives from the numerous blogs picked up from here and there. The nameless, faceless entities. Now I am an avid reader of blogs and an avid follower of God-only-knows-who's lives.

Take this for example.Or this, and this.

I know all about their first crush, the most embarrassing situations and all about the incident when they stole money for a good cause.

what happens when you meet some such person in real life?

Sigh.
I don't quite hate this weather.
Its all so very melancholic and promising at the same time.
And just look at the sky.
Just look up and look at the sky.
Don't you see the clouds looking back at you?
Don't you see them asking you to keep faith?

And college. I could go on and on about how it has changed me. Wiped out the person that used to be me. In a good way.

Ho hum and all that jazz.Listening to music at two in the morning.The keyboard goes tap tap and another tap.Its funny how you're dog-tired and yet you can't sleep a wink. Too many thoughts cluttered inside the head.Too many things to mull over.Dreams to proclaim out loud about.People burn out, they blow over flying kisses, they party hard and play games, they suck in your soul and leave you betrayed, they dance in the rain, smile the angelic smile, strum the six strings show off their dimples, heat up the moment, make absolute nonsense, fool around with random plastic equipments , the sing out loud, they spell out words, the gnash their teeth and build castles in the air, but at the end of the day, no matter what they do, they leave you all alone.

No one's complaining,but.